Harry Potter and the Fondue Pot of the Underworld
by Echidne and Jyestha
Summary: An Evil Potion causes Harry and company to burst into random songs at... RANDOM times... wow... this hasn't been done before. It actually hasn't we added time travel and drugs, its actually funny! Yes~ Read! Come my children, dance in the light!
1. Default Chapter

Harry Potter was a highly unusual boy in many ways. For one, he liked golf. What a freak. Of  
  
Course, he's British and cultured and stuff, so he would like golf, but this is from an American point of  
  
View. For another, he wore robes. Yeah. Robes, like a monk or a cross- dresser or something.  
  
Oh yes-he was also a wizard.  
  
It was a mix of these three things that made Harry unique. There was another thing that made him  
  
Unique. It was a mark on his forehead.  
  
When Harry was an infant, the evil lord Vomit ruled the wizarding world. When vomit attacked  
  
And killed young Harry's parents, he had planned to kill the child as well. But Harry's power shone,  
  
Brighter than any he'd known. Vomit had pulled out his wand and branded Harry's forehead so he would  
  
recognize him when he was older.  
  
"When you come of age," he whispered to the infant, "you shall be trained to be my successor. We  
  
shall rule the wizarding world together, my young friend."  
  
"He's in there, Dumblewhore!" a voice called from outside. Vomit, learning his archenemy was  
  
outside, fled the Potter's home.  
  
After he fled, the witches and wizards came up with a fantastic story. They claim that Vomit tried  
  
to kill Harry, but the curse rebound and hit Vomit instead. Ridiculous. Well, why else had Vomit gone into  
  
hiding? Not hiding-retirement. Being the most evil wizard in a century had taken a toil on Vomit's health.  
  
He decided to retire until Harry was of age to assist him.  
  
And so, Harry was somewhat of a celebrity. At Snortwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry,  
  
the wizardry school he attended, he sometimes felt like an outsider. Harry was not a fabulous student, even  
  
though he excelled in his course about the Dark Arts. Well, obviously he would. No one seemed to notice  
  
anything odd about what he did. Usually, he covered up his dark side with doing heroic stuff, like saving  
  
young girls from being eaten by giant snakes or rescuing dead bodies.  
  
Harry's worst subject happened to be Potions. This might be because he despised his teacher,  
  
Professor Snape, and his professor despised him. He also didn't like a classmate of his, a child named  
  
Draco Malfoy. Even though no one in the entire school, or the child's parents realized the child's name  
  
meant "I Am The Dragon", they all recognized an evil streak in him. Draco was the typical "villain" in  
  
children's novels-also having some witty insult ready in any situation. Harry, however, also had a  
  
comment for every insult, but they were always stupid. No one really cared though, because he was Harry  
  
Potter.  
  
It was in one particular Potions class that Harry's hatred of Draco got the better of him. He was  
  
preparing a "Chanteres" potion, a potion that made the drinker's health improve. "In a way," said Snape,  
  
"It attacks as a cure for the common cold. Not quite a cure, however. It is best to take before the cold sets  
  
in." Snape went on to explain how many people did not favor it, due it's vile taste. "Sugar makes the potion  
  
useless."  
  
Harry and his friend Ron stared at their potion. For once, they had actually done something right  
  
without the help of their friend Hermione. Harry and Ron exchanged cultured, British high fives.  
  
Meanwhile, Draco was having some difficulty with his potion. Usually, he got Snape or someone  
  
to do it for him. Today, Snape seemed occupied with a magazine. Draco glanced at the clock. He had five  
  
minutes to complete his potion. He urgently looked about the classroom. Snape was engrossed in an issue  
  
of Penthouse. Harry and his friend Ron had migrated to the other side of the room to mingle with their  
  
friends, leaving their cauldron unattended. How irresponsible, thought Draco. Someone might.steal it. He  
  
grinned wickedly.  
  
"Three minutes left," said Snape absently, staring at a picture in his magazine. Harry and Ron sill  
  
hadn't returned to their cauldron. Draco quickly switched potions with them. Harry and Ron had actually  
  
concocted a the potion correctly! Draco tried to hide his shock.  
  
"Okay," said Snape coolly, folding his magazine quickly. "Return to your cauldrons. Now." Harry  
  
and Ron immediately shifted to their seats. Snape approached their cauldron. He sniffed it. "Nice work  
  
Potter," he said, eyeing him with contempt. "it seems you've done.nothing. This potion is complete  
  
trash," he spat. "dump it Now. GET THAT TRASH OUT OF MY SIGHT! YOU DISGUST ME,  
  
POTTER!"  
  
Snape approached Draco's cauldron. "Nice work, Malfoy." Draco gave a small cheer.  
  
"Thank you, sir. But really," he glanced at Harry. "It was a piece of cake. Pineapple upside  
  
down.cake, sir."  
  
After a minute, the bell rang. "That Malfoy," spat Harry angrily. "He switched our cauldrons!"  
  
Harry stomped out of the classroom, followed by Ron.  
  
"I know," supplied Ron. "That Malfoy!" Ron spit on the ground. Poor Ron. His purpose in life  
  
seemed to be to follow Harry everywhere, agree with practically whatever Harry said.basically, he was  
  
Harry's bitch.  
  
"He'll regret that," exclaimed Harry furiously. He gritted his teeth. "He'll regret that a lot."  
  
Ron nodded. "Yeah, Harry. He sure will." The two boys walked down the corridor in silence.  
  
"Hey.err.Harry?" asked Ron.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Why are you carrying Draco's potion?" Harry sighed. It wasn't Ron's fault he was so slow, but  
  
sometimes it was annoying.  
  
"Snape told us to get it out of his sight. So, we're going to make good use of it. We're going to put  
  
it in Draco's evening pumpkin juice," he explained. "That's why we're headed to the kitchen. We're going  
  
to ask Dobby to put it in his drink."  
  
"Oh, Harry!" swooned Ron. "Why, you are so.clever.brave.resourceful.handsome,  
  
gallant." He began counting adjectives on his fingers.  
  
"Six, Ron," corrected Harry. "I need six positive adjectives or I get depressed." He eyed Ron.  
  
"Add another before I make it twelve!"  
  
"Um..intelligent?"  
  
Harry nodded. "That'll do, Ron. That'll do."  
  
Ron and Harry entered the kitchen, and asked Dobby their favor. Dobby seemed rather distracted  
  
as they spoke, but he agreed to have the mixture added to Draco's evening pumpkin juice.  
  
The school assembled for their nightly meal. After a few remarks and announcements from  
  
Dumblewhore, the food appeared on their plates. Chatter reigned the hall. At Harry's table however, there  
  
was no lighthearted gossiping. Harry, Ron and Hermione sat regarding the Slytherin table. Draco had yet to  
  
sip his drink. But the trio hadn't long to wait-Draco slowly reached forward, grasped his goblet, and  
  
drank deeply.  
  
A strange expression took over Draco's face-a mixture of confusion and happiness. He smiled  
  
and resumed discussing something with Pansy Parkinson. Suddenly, he began talking very loud. "WHY?"  
  
he belted. "You want to know why I hate Potter so much?" he stopped his himself. "Whoa," he said dryly.  
  
"I seem to be having difficulty controlling THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!" Draco stopped. "Any way,"  
  
he yelled, not realizing he was shouting. "I hate him because-" Draco paused to think. Then, he began to  
  
sing, still shouting. "He's a song, written by the hands of God. And I know, this might sound to you a bit  
  
odd. But he is the place where all my thoughts go-right under his clothes, that's where you'll find them."  
  
Draco jumped on the Slytherin table and really began bellowing his song. "Underneath his clothes, there's  
  
an endless story! There's the man I choose, there's my territory." He gazed directly at Harry. "And all the  
  
things that I deserve-for being such a good boy, honey!" Draco suddenly stopped singing. "Oh my God,"  
  
he exclaimed. He turned to his fellow Slytherin's. "Tell me that didn't just happen."  
  
The Slytherins couldn't hear him. The entire hall was shouting with laughter. "I guess that was  
  
one of the effects of the potions," remarked Hermione.  
  
Ron glared at her. "Hermione, for once in your geeky life, will you not ruin something by  
  
answering why? Or because? Because I just saw Draco Malfoy sweetly serenading Harry." Ron closed his  
  
eyes and smiled. "That has to be one of the best memories I'll ever have."  
  
All of a sudden, Harry's plate exploded. Dobby appeared in the middle of his setting. "Harry  
  
Potter sir!" exclaimed Dobby. "Dobby has made a big mistake. Dobby had put his hands in the oven and  
  
close the door seven times!" Dobby showed Harry his swollen arms. "Dobby.Dobby put the potion Harry  
  
Potter gave him in everyone's pumpkin juice!" Harry's jaw dropped. "So, the whole school is going to start singing?" he asked in disbelief.  
  
Dobby tilted his head. "Well.Dobby is not sure how much was in everyone's glass. Some might,  
  
some might not." He hung his head. "Dobby is a bad, bad, house elf. If Harry Potter will excuse him,  
  
Dobby must go brash his head in a door." Dobby disappeared in a puff of purple smoke.  
  
"This is horrible," moaned Hermione. "Are you going to forgive him?"  
  
Harry later described this feeling as "the best kind of high ever." Harry felt like he was a floating  
  
away. Harry shook his head. "There isn't enough time in my life to be angry at someone like Dobby," he  
  
exclaimed. He froze for a moment and began to sing softly. "Is this the real life? Is this just a fantasy?"  
  
"Caught in a landslide, no escape fro reality," added Ron.  
  
"Open your eyes," Harry urged his table (in song). "Look up to the skies and  
  
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"  
  
"I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy," sang Ron. "Because I am easy come, easy go. A little  
  
high, a little low..."  
  
"anyway the wind blows, doesn't really matter.."  
  
"To me."chimed in Ron, in unison with Harry.  
  
"Harry? Harry?" What's wrong with you?" asked Ginny Wesley. She, like other people at the  
  
table, hadn't drunk her pumpkin juice. "Hermione?"  
  
It was too late for Hermione. She had unconsciously taken a sip. Ginny saw her horrorstruck  
  
expression at the juice. She instantly made the connection. As a terribly insecure teenage girl, she felt the  
  
urge to fit in. "Too late, my time has come," she sand as she finished as sip. She took another. "Sends  
  
shivers down my spine." She shivered. "Body's aching all the time," Suddenly, she belted out, "Sometimes  
  
I wish I was never born at all!"  
  
"I see a little silhouette-o of a man," sand Harry, accenting each word.  
  
"Scaramouche,scaramouche will you do the Fandango?" sang the entire Gryffindor table in unison.  
  
Harry pointed to the murals adorning the great Hall. "Thunderbolt and lightening, very, very,  
  
frightening me!"  
  
"Galileo," sing Seamus in a very high voice.  
  
"Galileo," sang Dean in a very low voice.  
  
"Galileo," crooned Seamus.  
  
"Galileo," answered Dean.  
  
"Galileo, fagero. Magnefico!" sang the whole school.  
  
"I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me," sang Ron sadly.  
  
"HE'S JUST A POOR BOY, FROM A POOR FAMILY!" sang the Gryffindor table. "Spare him a  
  
life, from this monstrosity!"  
  
"Wait a second," said Harry suddenly. "Wy are we all singing old Queen songs?"  
  
"I don't know," admitted Fred. "It just seemed rather natural." The rest of the school voiced their  
  
agreement.  
  
"Well," said Harry, trying to be gallant and British. "I think everyone's wondering what CAUSED  
  
us to started singing old Queen songs."  
  
"What everyone's wondering, Potter," said Draco, in a more calm, controlled voice. "Is-"  
  
"Why you were sweetly serenading me with Shakira?" interrupted Harry.  
  
Draco's cold eyes narrowed. "No. Maybe.which Gryffindor boy is gay!" he snickered at Harry.  
  
"I think it's Potter."  
  
Harry was going to insult Malfoy by pointing out that was the stupidest comeback in the history of  
  
the entire universe, but he suddenly felt the high again. He felt himself floating and suddenly.  
  
At that moment, all the Gryffindor boys stood up. "We are..on fire," sang Neville.  
  
"We have desire!" offered Dean.  
  
"believe us when we say," sang Fred.  
  
"No Gryffindor boys are gay!" sang all of the boys. The people in Snogwarts noticed the song was  
  
resembling Backstreet Boy's "I Want it That Way."  
  
"We don't want to be mean, but no one's a queen," commented Seamus.  
  
"Don't ask please-no Gryffindor boys are gay!" Harry found himself moved by the song. He  
  
jumped on his table.  
  
"Tell me who!" he shouted.  
  
"It sure isn't George!" sang the boys.  
  
"Tell me who!"  
  
"No way is it Dean!"  
  
"Tell me who!"  
  
"We never want to hear you say, which Gryffindor boy is gay!"  
  
The boys proceeded to sing an edited version of the Backstreet Boys song, Ron joined Harry on  
  
the table. "I could just see him, he'd wear women's clothes. But he don't need an IUD, yeah...."  
  
"He'd like Village People, he would play croquet, he's dog is a pekiness!" Harry joined  
  
Ron in a duet. They finished their song a moment later.  
  
"This is too creepy," said Harry, shaking his head as he sat down. "We all just keep bursting out  
  
into song!"  
  
The lord Vomit regarded the situation fro inside a suit of armor. He went on Jenny Craig for six  
  
months to fit in one. "So young Harry is causing mayhem," he thought joyously. "This might be the time to  
  
inform him of his.true destiny?" Lord Vomit grinned wickedly.  
  
The time had come.  
  
(A/N: Word!!!!!!!! Review, Flames and have oodles and poodles of fun - Lindsey) 


	2. Butter is good

"Hermione," said Ron suddenly. "You're a smartass. Why do we keep bursting out into song?"  
  
Hermione smacked Ron upside the head. "Because we all just drank a potion, you little fuck."  
  
Harry placed sympathetic hands on Ron and Hermione's shoulders. "There, there," he soothed. "That's no reason to call each little fucks or smartasses. We need to work together!"  
  
"Shut the fuck up, Harry," commented Fred. "You're no fun."  
  
Harry laughed loudly. "Ha, ha! Just kidding! What I mean is." Harry thought fast. "We need to.um.counteract the potion!"  
  
"Yeah!" agreed the Gryffindors. The Slytherins were happily singing "This Kiss" by Faith Hill, with a lovely visual aid with Pansy and Crabbe.  
  
"Um.how do we that?" asked Hermione. Harry thought again (Twice in one day! New Record!)  
  
"We talk.to.. Snape."  
  
DUM  
  
DUM  
  
DUM "Snape?" asked Ron in horror. "We can't! That's admitting we tried to poison Malfoy!"  
  
Harry shook his head. "Not if we.." OH, shit.thought Harry. I feel a song coming on.  
  
"Not if we.say.. I've been cheated by you since I don't know when. So I've made up my mind!"  
  
"We must come to an end," sang Prof. Dumblewhore. He had drunk his juice by accident.and well."Look at me now! Will I ever love? I don't know how but I suddenly loose control."  
  
"As the fire within my soul," sang a slutty Cho Chang, joining them from the Ravenclaw.  
  
": Just one look and I can't hear anything," sang the Gryffindor table, beginning an elaborate dance movement.  
  
"One more look and I forget everything," shot back Ravenclaw, starting a tango.  
  
"Mamma Mia! Here I go again," they all sang.  
  
"My, my how can I resist you?" sang Harry and Ron, looking at each other in lust.  
  
"Mamma Mia, Does it show it again?" howled Gryffindor.  
  
"My, my, just how much I missed you?" answered Ravenclaw.  
  
"Yes, I've been brokenhearted, blue since the day we parted."sang Hermione.  
  
"Why, why, did I ever let you go?" The Gryiffindors all hopped on the table. "Mamma Mia Now I really know!" They began a dance that strongly resembled Britney Spears routine to "Crazy," minus the Catholic schoolgirls.  
  
"My, my, I could never let you go! Mamma-"  
  
"STOP IT!" shouted Harry, regaining control over his vocal chords. "NO ABBA! We have to fight it! CONSTANT VIGILANCE!"  
  
"Hey.you sound like that guy.." Commented Dean.  
  
"Yeah. that guy who like, taught us for a while," said George.  
  
"Moody?" asked Harry.  
  
"That guy!" cried Dean.  
  
"Now!" said Harry gallantly, "We must face our fears and go to the dungeon! Hurry!"  
  
In the dark and dismal dungeon Professor Snape was glowering, pouring over many naughty magazines. He took a sip of his luke-warm pumpkin juice. It had been sitting on the desk next to him for an hour now.  
  
He took another swallow of the juice and sighed. He turned the page of his magazine. Suddenly, the door flung open.  
  
"Professor Snape!"  
  
'Shit,' thought Snape, 'It's Potter. What did he do this time?' As he quickly hid the magazine under a pile of books.  
  
"What you want Potter? You're disfigured!" he spat.  
  
Harry choose his words carefully. "Sir.if someone.not me," he added hastily.  
  
"What'd you do know, you little worm?" Snape interrupted bitterly.  
  
"NOT ME! A friend.NO! Not a friend! In fact, he doesn't even exist. But.if he DID exist.and he by accident poured his potion that you had told him to get out of his sight in everyone's pumpkin juice.and everyone started singing.how could you reverse the potion?"  
  
So that's why I started singing Sweet Home Alabama before, thought Snape. "Potter.you disgust me. Everything about you makes me want to vomit all over your little last season shoes. "Wellllllllllllllllllllll," trilled Snape in a truly lovely baritone voice. "You know you make me want to SHOUT! Kick my heels up and---"  
  
"SHOUT!" they all sang together.  
  
"Throw my hands up and shout, throw my head back and SHOUT!" Snape's cold eyes glittered in an.ti..ci.pation. "Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you, you stupid excuse for a literary character?"  
  
"Um.. I make you want shout?" suggested Harry.  
  
"Yes, precisely. SHOUT! Anyway.so.I take it.you want my help?"  
  
"Not me! My friend!"  
  
"I know it's you, you brainless piece of horse manure. So..you want my help."  
  
"Er.yes sir." Harry was grateful for his friends presence. Snape wouldn't kill him in front of them.would he?  
  
"SAY IT! SAY I'M SMARTER THAN YOU! ON YOUR KNEES, WENCH," thundered Snape.  
  
"I'm smarter than you, Prof. Snape."  
  
"Thank you." Snape thought for a minute. "No! I meant I am smarter then you, you insignificant louse! Beg for my wisdom!"  
  
Harry got on his knees. "O wise Potions master, I do implore you to share some of your great wisdom.you are so."  
  
"Gallant," whispered Ron.  
  
"so gallant.." added Harry.  
  
"clever.brave.resourceful.handsome.try that, Harry," said Ron, trying to be helpful.  
  
"But those are my adjective!" whined Harry. He received a swift kick from Hermione.  
  
"Deal with it," hissed Hermione.  
  
"You're so clever.brave.resourceful.handsome," Harry swallowed bile.  
  
Snape struck a pose. "Well, I always have been called ruggedly handsome, you know, with my chiseled jaw and craggy features. I guess I'll help you."  
  
"Oh.how can I ever..THANK you enough, proffesor?" purred Hermione, sticking her chest out.  
  
Snape eyed her. "I'm sure I'll think of a way." Harry and Ron looked at each other. "Anyway.the only way to reverse this potion is to find me a certain herb. The herb is called filhenkelo. It is exceedingly rare-in fact, the only way for you to retrieve it is.to travel back to 1974."  
  
"What?" asked Ron, "How will we do that? Dude, it's 2001!"  
  
"Ron. It's 2002," said Hermione, shaking her head sadly.  
  
"Whatever, it doesn't matter. There is a bunch of year in between 1974 and 2002." Commented Ron smartly.  
  
"Yeah. No kidding clodpoll!" spat Snape, "Anyway, we have to use a time turner to go back in time and grab the filhenkelo weed and then we can reverse the potion you idiots made."  
  
"Professor! I think that's illegal!" said Hermione, "It would be like. 5896 turns.. Or something like that!"  
  
"Ms. Granger! Desperate times call for desperate matters! We must stop this singing!"  
  
"I think that we should at least talk to Professor Dumblewhore," stated Hermione.  
  
"I"ll go tell him...now you shake this thing and get yourself to the past, you little WHORE!"  
  
"You know you think I'm sexy." said Hermione seductively.  
  
Snape huffed and left.  
  
"Dudes."said Harry. "I have the sudden urge to sing that song from Singin' In the Rain."  
  
"Shit, Harry," said Ron. "We gotta do some time traveling."  
  
"Let's do both," said Hermione.  
  
a/N: word! Read the next chappie, it's MUCH better, loads of fun and drugs! 


	3. The Disco era, only with Incest

For three students without any formal dance education, Harry, Ron and Hermione did a mean tap number.  
  
When they finished there they heard an amused chuckled and some lighthearted clapping. And it wasn't  
  
Vomit, even though he was there too.  
  
"Word!" cried the man in the corner of the room, "And like. bravo!" The man moved into the light.  
  
He wore a tie dyed robe and little pink sun glasses, "Welcome to the early 70s, dude,"  
  
"Professor Dumblewhore?" gasped Hermione. For this man was clearly their aging professor, only.  
  
now he was young and attractive.  
  
"Dumblewhore?" thought Vomit from underneath his Invisibility Cloak. "Perhaps I should remain unseen and watch events unfold."  
  
"Word to your mothers!" cried Dumblewhore, "What's up da motherland?"  
  
Ron shrugged. "We be chillin, son."  
  
Dumblewhore nodded and blew a ring of smoke at them, "So.. Little dudes, what you be doing in  
  
the 70s?" HE took another puff. "Cause I got a phone call from my future self and he was all like, Dude,  
  
my bitches are coming to get some weed." Dumblewhore took a bag out of his pocket. "I thought I'd save  
  
you the trouble. James gave me some of his stash."  
  
"Um.. thanks a lot.but we're looking for a kind of weed?"  
  
Dumblewhore looked interested. "There's more than one kind?"  
  
Hermione took over. "We're looking for filhenkelo.the herb?"  
  
Dumblewhore nodded. "Man, that stuff is the best." He gave an approving nod. "Molly got some last  
  
night.. she went wild."  
  
Ron looked scared. "My mum's name is Molly."  
  
Dumblewhore snickered. "Dude, she must've had you when she was like, three."  
  
".Or maybe not," Ron finished.  
  
"Anyway, we need the herb!" cried Hermione, getting uncomfortable about the amount of drug content.  
  
"Look, lady," said Dumblewhore, "You've got a problem there,"  
  
"Why?"  
  
'Well," said Dumblewhore inhaling, "The students have been snatching that shit up like crazy!"  
  
"So, I'm sure we can get our hands on some,"  
  
"No, dudes, look, that stuff comes from Africa!"  
  
"The motherland?" asked Harry.  
  
"Yea," said Dumblewhore, "And we smoked all the shit last night! So you're going to have to wait three days for the stuff,"  
  
"No one has it?" asked Harry sadly, "Well. maybe that James kid. you dad!"  
  
"My.. Pa?" asked Harry, feeling the tears coming to his eyes.  
  
"Oh right, I was suppose to tell you some shit about that!" said Dumblewhore, "Rules I guess,"  
  
"Like what?" asked Harry.  
  
"You can't tell them who you are," said Dumblewhore.  
  
"Well, sir, that's sort of a problem cause I look exactly like my daddy," said Harry.  
  
"Well, your parents are coked up most of the time, I shouldn't be much of a problem to explain.  
  
Anyway, don't do anything stupid that might mess up your chances of being born,"  
  
"WORD!" said Harry.  
  
"Wait!" cried Hermione, "Why don't we just go back in time to last night, get the weed and go home,"  
  
"My future self told me you would do that. I'm not suppose to let you!" cried Dumblewhore, "Or  
  
maybe I am.. I don't remember. I was kind of stoned."  
  
"We should stick with your instincts then," purred Hermione.  
  
"I guess we should. FREE LOVE!" Suddenly, the lights seemed to dim. A drop -dead gorgeous  
  
redhead walked into the room.  
  
Harry felt his jaw drop. He bent down and picked it up. "Who is that?" he whispered to  
  
Dumblewhore.  
  
"Yo momma," whispered Dumblewhore. He held up a hand. "Hey Lily! Get your white butt over here  
  
and meet these three brothers from da future! No.not da future.from the da future of love!" he corrected  
  
himself. Either because he was really stoned or cause she was used to him, Lily ignored him.  
  
She wrapped Harry in a hug. "Hey James. Whatever you did to my neck last night.it was unbelievable."  
  
"Um.you're my mom," said Harry as she planted a big smoochies on him.  
  
She pinched his butt. "And you're my daddy." She waltzed out of the room, smiling flirtatiously at  
  
Ron.  
  
"Damn," thought Harry, rubbing his butt. "I."He suddenly looked up. "There's calm surrender, to the rush of day. When the heat of a rolling wind.can be turned away." He gazed longingly at the  
  
door. "An enchanted moment and it sees me through. And it's enough for this," HE looked down.  
  
"Restless warrior just to be with you!"  
  
"And can you feel the love tonight," sang the gang. "It is where we are.it's enough for this wide  
  
eyed wanderer that we got this far. And CAN YOU FEEL THE LOVE TONIGHT, how it's laid to  
  
rest. And it's enough to make.kings and vagabonds. Believe the very best!"  
  
"Holy shit!" exclaimed Dumblewhore. "You just fell for yo momma!"  
  
Harry smiled and raised his eyebrows. "I know." He turned to Ron. "Think she likes me?"  
  
"She is totally into you, man. Totally." Ron punched Harry playfully.  
  
"That's completely incestuous!" she groaned, "I intend to remain completely in character and level headed though out this whole-" A young Remus Lupin walked into the Potions room. "HELLO!" Hermione battered her eyelashes at him. He immediately got the picture.  
  
Lupin walked over to her. "You know why you're a microwaves?" he whispered seductively in her ear.  
  
"Why?" asked Hermione breathlessly.  
  
"'Cause I put my hot dog in you."  
  
"Excuse me," apologized Harry. HE turned and vomited on the floor. "That was the most revolting thing I've ever heard."  
  
But Hermione and Lupin had already left. "Hey.isn't he a werewolf?"  
  
"Yeah," admitted Harry.  
  
"Isn't tonight a full moon?"  
  
"I guess."  
  
"That sucks for Hermy."  
  
"Unless she's into kinky stuff," amended Harry.  
  
"Well, now, dude, I suggest that we get you guys to class. Pretend your new students transferred from. I don't know.. The moon, okay? The whole school is coked up most of the time. I'm sure they wont even notice, anyway,"  
  
"Alright," agreed Harry.  
  
Dumblewhore clapped his hands. "Word. C'mon, let's go meet James and see if he's got any left."  
  
They proceeded to exit the dark and dismal dungeon. "So.Harry.you look a shitload like yo daddy."  
  
Harry nodded in a pimpish way. "I know."  
  
"And yo momma likes yo."  
  
"I know."  
  
They proceeded to walk back up the stairs to the Great Hall, "Is James in Gryffindor?" asked Harry.  
  
"Yup," said Dumblewhore, "Under his bed he has this great tunnel.. It leads to his great storage place and this gambling casino; it's called the Fondue Pot of Hell. It's a bar. Good times." Said Dumblewhore.  
  
"And you permit this?" asked Harry.  
  
"I started it," laughed Dumblewhore as they climbed the stairs and stopped in front of the picture of the fat lady wearing a. skimpy pink dress.  
  
"Password?" she purred.  
  
"Cocaine," Dumblewhore, as he pulled out a flask.  
  
"Sure," said the fat lady. She took the flask. "Go on. In."  
  
They walked into the common room and into a puff of smoke, "His dorm is up the stairs," leading them into the 6th year boys dorm.  
  
"James!" hollered Dumblewhore opening the door, "My bitch!"  
  
"Dumblewhore! My man!" smiled James Potter, "Come in dude, who you got with you?" And this was the first time Harry gazed at his father in the living flesh. He really was the spitting image of Harry. Half naked girls, one under each arm and one in front of him holding up with extra large pipe surrounded him.  
  
"This is Ron and this is Harry, they are from the moon," said Dumblewhore.  
  
"Really?" asked James, "I've head they got some good shit up there," he paused and looked at the supposed aliens, "Hey. this kid looks just like me!"  
  
"Yea.. That's Harry, he's not your son,"  
  
"That's good!" said James, "I don't remember having sex with an alien."  
  
"Um. what about that time when we ate that macaroni-"  
  
"No, she was Haitian." James waved his hand in dismissal. "So, what can I help you with?"  
  
"I need some filhenkelo," explained Harry. James let out a low whistle.  
  
"That stuff is in demand. It's a great drug. No side effects, no hangovers the next day.free love. And. I'm all out." James picked up a list. "I'm getting a shipment in three days from da motherland.can you meet me in the Fondue Pot then?"  
  
"The Fondue Pot?" asked Harry.  
  
"Underground Casino," said James, "You moon people are more then welcome to go check it out. Tunnels under my bed."  
  
"Thanks man," said Harry gratefully, "I'll check it out right now,"  
  
"Be my guest, we got a real hopping crowd tonight,"  
  
Harry, Ron and Dumblewhore crawled under James' bed and to Harry's surprise he found a long dark tunnel, light by pink and green neon lights. He could hear the beat of the music from the club below.  
  
"Go on man," said Dumblewhore, "It's good clean fun,"  
  
"Alright," said Harry, stepping down into the tunnel. The three of them jogged down the tunnel, getting closer and closer to the throbbing music. Suddenly, the tunnel stopped and there was a beaded curtain, "Boys," said Dumblewhore proudly, "Welcome to Hogwarts proudest establish. the Fondue Pot of Hell,"  
  
Harry looked up and saw the beautiful redhead on a swing suspended in midair.  
  
"The French are glad to die for love. They delight in fighting duels. But I prefer a man who lives (sung) And gives expensive jewels!" Lily began swinging around on her swing as Harry looked on in amazement. 'A kiss the hand may be quite continental-" "But diamonds are a girls best friend" chanted all the girls.  
  
"A kiss may be grand but it won't pay the rental on your humble flat or help you feed your-pussycat."  
  
She hopped off the swing into the mosh pit. "Men grow cold as girls grow old And we all lose our charms in the end. But square cut or pear shaped these rocks don't lose their shape!  
  
Diamonds are a girl's best friend! I've heard of affairs that are strictly plutonic!"  
  
"But diamonds are a girl's best friend"  
  
Suddenly, Hermione appeared on another swing. "And I think it is a pear that you might keep Masonic if little cats get big baguettes. Time rolls on and mute is gone and you can't straighten up when you bend.  
  
"But stiff back or stiff means, you can't stand to kiss me Diamonds are a girl's best friend!!" sang Hermione and Lily together.  
  
Harry nodded. "So this is what the seventies were all about."  
  
Suddenly, a thought struck Ron. "Ouch!" he gasped.  
  
"What?" asked Harry, not taking his eyes off his mom's cleavage.  
  
"A thought struck me."  
  
"Mm?"  
  
"How did Lupin know what a microwave was? They haven't been invented yet."  
  
Harry pondered."But.how could he?"  
  
"You know what this means," added Ron.  
  
"CLIFFHANGER!" they shouted joyously. 


	4. FilhenkeloHarmless?

(A/N- Buenos dias! Sorry for the long delay. We wrote this chapter like 40000000000000000 years ago and forgot about it..and Echidne just found it. And she edited parts of it. But she's pretty damn lazy so pardon the English please.)  
  
Harry looked at his sexual mother slip from her swing.  
  
"Dude," said Ron, "That's wickety whacked!"  
  
"I want to make love to her like a crazy weasel," groaned Harry.  
  
"Excuse me! Dude, that's nasty!" cried Ron, "Remember what Dumblewhore told us, 'Don't interfere with the past people,' Right?"  
  
"But, but." sobbed Harry.  
  
"Harry." said Ron seriously.  
  
"NO! I want my whoreish mother!"  
  
"I think sleeping with your mother would most surely effect the outcome of the foreclosure of the eel shortage."  
  
"What?" Dumblewhore said. "That doesn't make any sense."  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry." Ron said. "I had a flashback to Vietnam. Take cover boys! Charlies are coming in fast! ARHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHH!!!!!" He collapsed on the ground and started twitching.  
  
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Anyway, I'm hungry" Harry complained. "And there's NO FOOD ANYWHERE! It's as if a giant famine has come across the land. John, you look sumptuous tonight, have I mentioned?"  
  
"What?" Dumblewhore said. "That doesn't make any sense."  
Harry blinked. "Didn't you just say that? Anyway, would you mind if I cut off your arm and roasted it on a fire?"  
  
"What?" Dumblewhore said. "That doesn't make any sense. Well, it does, I guess, but. NO! YOU ARGHHH WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?!?!? AHHH GETITOFF GETHIMOFF!!! HE'S PYSCHOTIC!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.gurgle"  
  
"Mmm." Harry smacked his lips as he held the arm over a flame springing from his wand. A little bit of blood splattered on John's dead body, and Harry was vexed that some of the delicious life--giving liquid was lost. "I'm terribly vexed," Harry said to no one in particular.  
  
He nudged Ron's twitching body. "Hey Ron, you want some of this?"  
  
"DAMN NAZIS!!!!!!" Ron jumped up and started attacking the wall.  
  
"Umm.. Yeah. Mmmm. it's almost done. The sweet, sweet nectar of the body's juices slowly roasting into the muscle of young John. Mmmmmmmm."  
  
Then a giant tortoise with 4 elephants on its back came and bit off his head.  
  
"Anyway," said Ron, "I think sleeping with your mother would most surely effect the outcome of the future,"  
  
"Really," said Harry, quite unmoved by this whole episode. He pondered this. "Maybe. Hey, could I get my mother pregnant with myself?"  
"I don't know," said Ron in astonishment. "I don't believe anyone has ever tried it."  
  
Lily walked in suddenly. She ran her hands down Harry's back. "Hey James," she whispered seductively. "Girls dorm, my room, ten minutes?"  
  
"Oooooo.Harry's getting laid tonight!" sang Ron.  
  
Harry smiled. Who cares if it's my mom? She's a hot piece of ass, he thought. He didn't even realize she still thought he was his daddy.  
**************************************************************  
Ten Minutes Later..  
  
"James!!! James!!!" Lily screamed.  
  
"Mommy! Mommy!" Harry panted collapsing in a heap on the bed.  
  
"Well now," said Lily, "That was.. fun,"  
  
"Indeed," said the confused boy, putting his head on his mother's dirty pillows, he felt a song coming on.  
"I feel a song coming on!" he whispered into his mother's ear, ".. No, never mind,"  
  
Lord Vomit watched the couple from the shadows. The hot naked sex was.. Stimulating? Indeed. But, then, after a moment of reflecting, he paused. It was sickening. Mothers and sons...  
  
"Icky," Lord Vomit spat on the floor, "My.. My little boy.he's all grown up. All grown up and having.. erotic pastimes. Not long now my Harry. Not long before I take you to the... Dark side?" He let out a loud evil laugh.  
"What was that?" asked Lily, peering in the shadows, "I heard evil laughter in the darkness, James,"  
"What?" asked Harry.  
"I said " I heard evil laughter in the darkness, James,'" repeated Lily.  
"No, I heard you the first time," said Harry, "I was just saying what, like. what is it? or... oh whatever, Lily,"  
  
"Don't you worry your shaggy little, unbrushed head, James." She grinned broadly, "I'm a happy whore,"  
  
"I like happy whores," said Harry in a most indecent nature.  
  
"Oh James," giggled Lily.  
  
"What?" asked an angry voice from the doorway.  
  
"Oh shit," cursed Harry softly. James was back.  
  
"Is that you, moon man?" hollered James, "What are you doing with my Lily?"  
  
"Um... helping her?" said Harry.  
  
James' anger began to melt away, "Ah, what the fuck," he said, "I'm high.. You're high, she's high... mange et trios!" cried James, stripping off his white shirt.  
  
'Oh, what well defined muscles, my father has,' thought Harry, 'Shit, did I actually think that?'  
  
'You did,' thought a little voice in his head, 'and by the way, he's not your father, you are your father,'  
'No.. James is my daddy,'  
  
'Nope, you got your mother pregnant with yourself not but a few seconds ago,'  
'..,'  
'Harry?'  
  
'That's not fucking possible,'  
"Harry," called James, "You want a round,"  
  
"No," he called, "I think I'm going to go throw up,"  
  
"Go ahead," chuckled James, "But come back, I'll be getting out the whips and chains soon,"  
  
Harry was already half way down the hall. He puked.  
  
"Ron!" Harry shrieked, "HERMY!!!!!" he screamed in his VERY British voice, "MOON PEOPLE!!!!"  
  
"Where are my friends?" he screamed, "To Dumblewhore's office," he screamed racing down the hall.  
  
"Not so fast, Potter," sneered a voice. It was Remus Lupin in his youth.  
  
"Oh, hey Moony," said Harry, "Where are my friends?" And how the hell do you know about microwaves,  
  
"They are.. Busy at the moment," said Moony in a seemingly lighthearted way.  
  
"Oh," said Harry.  
  
"You, ah, want an orange?" he asked, producing a ripe fruit from his side bag.  
  
"Nay, don't want an orange grove growing in my uterus,"  
  
"You have a uterus?" asked Remus.  
  
"Err.. No. Wait..why aren't you, you know.. you're not. stoned? Like the rest of them?"  
  
"No," said Remus sadly, "I can just smoke and smoke and smoke and. ," he looked sadly at Harry, "And no high,"  
  
"Why?"  
  
Remus shrugged, "I don't know,"  
  
"Some might call that a talent," said Harry, still apprehensive about the youth.  
  
"Perhaps," said Moony moodily, "I still want the high,"  
  
"We all do," sighed Harry. There went his brilliant plan of getting Remus so high that he would just tell Harry why he knew about Microwaves and.., "So why are my friends busy?"  
  
". They just are," said Remus with a coy smile.  
  
"No!" screamed Harry, grabbing Remus and pushing him into a choke slam, "Where the hell are my friends?"  
  
"Making sweet love on the dunes of the cape!" screamed Remus, "Sorry, buddy,"  
  
"Making.. sweet love?" asked Harry letting go of Remus, "With.. Each other?"  
  
"Yes." said Remus, "I'm leaving now,"  
  
"Very well Remus Lupin," said Harry to Mooney's retreating back, "I still have a few questions, firstly; why you know about microwaves, second: why do you know about Hermy and Ron's sex life and third," something dawned on Harry, "How did he know my last name? No one knows my last name!"  
  
"Dude," called Remus, "You think I can't hear you thinking out loud?"  
  
"Well I."  
  
"How about I explain."  
Lord Vomit watched from behind the curtains. "This would be so much easier if I had one of those Invisibility things.. blast."  
  
"First, I know about microwaves because they were invented three years ago," sneered Remus, "Genius," he said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, "Second, I accidentally stumbled upon your friends making love and I know your last name because Heromine told me,"  
  
Harry gaped like a fish. Like a wide gaping vagina, "Ha," said Remus proudly, "So there,"  
  
"Oh," said Harry feeling stupid, "Listen Remus," he said, thinking he should recall the plot, "Um.do you by any chance remember what happened last chapter? For some reason.. I don't remember anything."  
  
"Um.I had sex with Hermione."  
  
"That's between you and your God, Remus. Not me."  
  
"Oh..um, I said the word "microwave" and you got all feisty and it was a cliff hanger."  
  
"Oh, right. But you just told me that microwaves have already been invented."  
  
"Yes, indeed."  
  
"So there is no cliffhanger."  
  
"Yes there is."  
  
"Really? What?" asked Harry as Remus took out a machine gun and pointed it at him.  
  
"You're an annoying character," said Remus, "You slept with Hermy, you slept with Dumby, You slept with your mother.and now,"  
  
Remus broke down crying.  
  
"There, there," soothed Harry, "Its alright," he tried to fight the gun out of Remus' hands, "But.. Please.. Give me the.,"  
  
"Dude.. Your sisters hot," confessed Remus. Harry was a bit puzzled.he had no sister.  
  
"Dude, that's not cool," he said. The universal response when someone was trying to hit on your sister.  
  
"You wanna see my dads gun?" asked Remus with a deranged smile.  
  
Harry nodded in confusion. Suddenly, an old proverb of Arthur Weasley's sprung to his head. "Never trust anything if you can't see where it keeps it's brain," Arthur had cautioned. Harry eyed Remus critically. Well, he had a head and it appeared that there was a brain in there.  
  
Harry made a decision and nodded again to Remus.  
  
"Cool. Is it loaded?" asked Harry.  
  
Remus took a long drag of his pipe. Harry smelt the smelly smell of Filhankello waveringin the air around there heads. His thoughts swam. Why did Remus have the herb they were told was not to be found?  
  
"No its-," he tripped the trigger of the gun.  
  
Harry fell on to the floor in a bloody puddle. He felt a song coming on. He opened his mouth and blood gargled.  
  
"Shit," said Remus staring at the gun in his hands.  
  
Filhenkello-- Harmless?  
  
"DAMN YOU!" screamed Lord Vomit as he sprung out his hiding spot. "This child was our last hope!"  
  
"No.." sad Remus, with a faraway glint in his eye. "There is another."  
  
"Really?" asked Lord Vomit. "Cause I'm pretty damn sure.there's NOT!"  
  
"No, you're right," said Remus. "There's not. Just got caught up in the moment."  
  
"Wait a moment," exclaimed Lord Vomit, taking his wand out of his long, flowing robes. "I can sew up his head! And then he'll be alive and shit!"  
  
"Bippity...boppity..BOO!" chanted the evil mastermind.  
  
Harry blinked and sat up.  
  
"You are a fucking genius, man," said Remus to Lord Vomit. "Fricking brilliant." 


End file.
